Victory Over Depression Blog

(Healing & Victory Through Jesus Christ)

Archive for the category “Have A Laugh”

10 Things You Never Hear in Church

Enjoy the laugh.  How much does any of these have you seen?

1. “Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew!”

2. “I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.”

3. “Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.”

4. “I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I’ve been sending to TV Evangelists.”

5. “I’ll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.”

6. “Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do!”

7. “I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before.”

8. “Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early!”

9. “Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.”

10. “Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign.”

– unknown

Letter to Jesus: The Management Potential Of The 12 Apostles

Memo

TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph, Woodcrafter Carpenter Shop, Nazareth

FROM: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem

Dear Sir:

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you have picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education, and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.

Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.

James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.

Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.

Matthew (we feel that it is our duty to tell you) has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.

James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.

All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

– author unknown

God always makes something out of nothing.

In our weakness is His strength.

It is simply CHRIST IN US living through us.

Pastor Search Committee – Interim Report

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our church leader.

ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

DEBORAH: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

JONAH: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people–might fit in better in a poor congregation.

MELCHIZEDEK: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

JAMES & JOHN: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn’t follow along with them.

TIMOTHY: Too young!

METHUSELAH: Too old . . . WAY too old!

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

– A Merry Heart Is As Good As Medicine

– author unknown

 

Post Navigation