My Personal Walk Of A Broken Heart (From Depression To Victory)
I know this blog is going to help many. I pray God will use it to help countless more.
I will be transparent in sharing some of the depths I experienced when walking through life with severe depression and a broken heart. Too many Christians want the victory without going through the painful walk of dying to self daily. I sure did not want to, but since I trusted God for everything, I knew I had to.
Fortunately, I now have the Victory Over Depression since 1996. Jesus in me grows more than ever every day.
Growing up through adolescence, I was not aware that I had such a poor self-image that it grew me right into depression. I wanted so much for people to accept me. I sought peer pressure approval often.
When one does not realize he has a broken heart, he unsuspectingly covers it up as he goes through life. If it is not dealt with, one day the broken heart will explode, usually like a pressure cooker.
God wants to help deal with the internal issues, heal the broken heart, and come take up residence in the person. This is what occurred to me. Being an adolescent in an adult body, I was not prepared for the challenges and seriousness of adulthood. My inside exploded (figuratively) like a pressure cooker.
Some of my depression symptoms were:
- I cried almost every night to sleep.
- I hid under covers frequently and kept the blinds closed.
- During daylight hours, I turned the lights off in my room often.
- I retreated often into a fantasy, daydream world. It was an easy way to avoid facing my problems.
- I slept often hoping that when I woke up, my depression was only a fantasy.
- I avoided stress and conflict at every opportunity.
- My hands and body shook whenever stress occurred.
Fortunately on April 1, 1979, after searching and trying many things to get rid of the depression, God touched my heart. I will not go into details, but to say that God filled my deepest needs and gave me hope and a reason to live. I knew God now loved me unconditionally and was living in me. I was amazed that now I was enjoying life more every day.
The next few years grew me more in love with God. It was like nothing bothered me anymore. I was growing more in love with Jesus everyday and enjoyed reading the Bible (the Word of God) everyday. I was maturing as a Christian and proud of it. I memorized Bible verses and was actively involved in leading ministries.
A few years later, I was to learn the maturity I saw in me was just another facade to cover my broken heart. The maturity I stated in the previous paragraph was absent of the necessary growth through the road of Calvary, suffering, pruning, refining in the fire, etc. (Unfortunately, many Christians do the same thing. They think this is maturity, but is the opposite. God will elevate many and use them mightily, but one must go through the road of the cross for real maturity.)
I wanted to draw closer to Jesus and He was now ready to take me through some of my darkest days as a Christian. Before I knew what happened, all the depression symptoms came back. I could not understand it. As much as I rebuked the devil, prayed more, and quoted Scirpture, the depression overwhelmed me again. It made no sense. The depression was a vicious cycle the next couple of years. All those symptoms I previously stated were back and controlling me.
The deep pain in my heart was being torn open like never before. I could not understand why.
I knew God loved me. So the problem had to be with me and my thinking. No Christian understood the deep pain I was experiencing. They acted more like Job’s friends than a friend of Jesus. I felt more condemned and judged than relieved and comforted. (Sadly this occurs often in the Church of Jesus Christ. Instead many suffering with broken hearts choose to suffer silently.)
This was the painful road of maturity God was taking me through – the road of the cross, of suffering, to die daily to self, to be refined in the fire, to be pruned. Fortunately, with an open, honest heart, God showed me the answer.
The answer is CHRIST IN YOU. God was working on clearing out all the garbage of my broken heart so that all I could see was CHRIST IN ME. I was learning that God the Father ONLY sees His Son Jesus in me.
God healed my broken heart by giving me a brand new heart- the very heart of God Himself in Jesus Christ.
No wonder depression overwhelmed me. I kept looking at my broken heart and depression – what Jesus had already crucified and buried. God cannot help one who constantly looks at dead things. This was the victory I needed to see. I know it is the truth many need to see.
God cannot help one who constantly looks at dead things.
I quickly realized that it was Jesus in me living His life through me. When people see me, they are to see ONLY Jesus in me. That is the simplicity of the Christian life – Jesus in you living His life through you.
I began consistently having the daily victory. The joy came back. Every day for the last 18 years (even despite setbacks) I have been enjoying life to the fullest. Only because Jesus as God resides in me.
Today I learn to simply rest in Jesus and let Him live His life through me. I pray you see the same & learn to focus on Jesus in you for your healing and victory.
In His love and Grace,
Christ in you,
PS: God now trusts me with a Victory Over Depression ministry to simply point people to Him. I have developed a teaching presentation for any church, ministry, or group that may be interested. Let me know if anyone may be interested. Thanks all.