Too Hurt Or Too Christian (My Personal Experience)
The Holy Spirit was burdening my heart about this subject. He is the author of what I am now writing.
I’ve experienced much in my 34 years as a born again Christian. Jesus saved me on April 1, 1979. It only seems like yesterday, but life has gone by so quickly.
Accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Lord & Savior is by far “the greatest decision I ever made.”
I’ve experienced the highs and the lows of being a Christian. I’ve lived reality. What I will now share is an accumulation of what I have learned from all this experience and how it relates to today. Specifically I will be referring to the hypocrisy that many Christians live – whether intentionally or not. The majority of this hypocrisy is called legalism.
One of the biggest challenges a Christian faces is using discernment and common sense when dealing with other Christians. It’s challenging enough to do this with the world, but the hypocrisy Christians do to one another is nothing but a big disgrace and scandal in God’s eyes. God’s heart is deeply grieved when He sees His children acting more like children of Satan, the devil.
A good portion of my life from childhood was lived with severe depression. Unless you have been depressed, one has no idea of the depths of one’s pain. It basically was a deeply, hurting, broken heart that I lived with for decades. I wanted so much to be accepted and loved by anyone and everyone. Without going into many details, the depression stigmatized my life that I couldn’t even function as a normal person. I often would cry myself to sleep every night. I would avoid stress or conflict at all costs. My hands & body would shake whenever a stressful even occurred – which was often every day.
The depression actually led me to give my life to Christ. What a joy it became as a Christian. I never experienced such joy in my entire life. It was like every joy and need in my life was filled. Life became totally worth living.
I grew over the next few years as a Christian. Reading the Word of God about my personal Savior Jesus just made me fall in love with Him more everyday. I could not put the Word of God down. His Word and Love were rooting deeper into me. I was memorizing Scriptures and becoming more involved in ministry within my church. I was believing that I had arrived at maturity as a Christian. That was a bad thought.
My life started to become self-righteous and egotistical. I thought I was so much more mature than other people that I started proudly showing off how spiritual I was. I looked to be pat on the back whenever I could. I took credit for things that I had little or no part in. My ego was definitely inflated big time. I looked down on other Christians and enjoyed making mincemeat out of them – for they were so immature as a Christian.
My Christian life was only one of a hypocrite, a fool. I could quote Scripture and be available at church whenever needed. However, my tongue was one of evil, but, of course, I would not admit it.
Many Christian hypocrites live the same way. They scoff and demean other Christians thinking they know it all. Of course, they would never admit they are wrong. For only the Holy Spirit can reveal the depths of a hypocrite’s heart. Fortunately, they is what occurred to me.
After 12 years as a Christian, the depression symptoms I experienced earlier in life came back to haunt me more than ever. What made it worse was being a Christian I was suppose to have all the answers. It did not make one bit of sense.
What was I doing wrong? Very simple: I was a hypocrite still living with depressed issues and a broken heart.
The symptoms overwhelmed me again. The Holy Spirit showed me how evil I was living as a Christian. Jesus was still living inside me, but I was letting my ego side of sin control me – acting like a Christian. I never stopped being born again for I knew Jesus lived in me despite all my hypocrisy.
Fortunately, with this revelation of how evil I was as a Christian, I admitted I was a very mean person to others. I was not a very pleasant person to be around. I was so grateful to the Holy Spirit for this revelation of evil within me.
This revelation actually was the big turnaround I needed. The Holy Spirit was showing me the depths of my broken heart. I cried again like never before. Fortunately, the stage was set for my total healing and victory. I was living a life as a Christian that only Christ can live through me. No wonder I was a mean, arrogant, and egotistical failure. That is a Christian hypocrite.
The healing and victory is CHRIST IN ME. It is Jesus in me living His life through me. I am simply to rest in His love and be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in me as to what actions to take or words to say. That’s all. So simple, but we Christians make it so difficult.
Jesus is the Christian life. Only Jesus can live the Christian life through us. No matter how evil and hypocritical we live as a Christian, Jesus in us will never leave. We don’t become unborn again.
When your eyes are focused on Jesus, Jesus lives His life through you.
This means you will simply look at people with love – the way Jesus does.
You will not judge as condemnation the wrong motives of other.
You will not showoff your Christian knowledge.
You will not boast about your Christian intelligence.
You will not scoff or demean others.
You will simply let Jesus live through you and leave the results to Him.
I was hurt with depression and a broken heart. Jesus saved me, but as time went by, I still had a broken heart. I covered up the heart by becoming a legalistic hypocrite – too Christian. Jesus delivered me from being a legalistic hypocrite but showing me to let Him live His life through me. Life now is the most magnificent it has ever been.
My prayer for you is the following:
From my experience, may the Holy Spirit teach you whatever lesson you need to learn about understanding & being Too Hurt or Too Christian.